Here are some assumptions you might make about me after reading the above title:

She is a strident feminist.
She's short and ugly.
She likes the thought of being a spinster.
She's a liberal who questions the value of marriage.
She's a drama queen.

Some of those things are accurate, but none are the reasons why I am writing this.

I am 22, I have two names, two birthdays and multiple personalities (which means I am a good actress). I grew up in Gaza, Palestine, an Arab society. Do I love it? Yes. I just prefer a distant relationship with my country.

The concept of not having kids, especially a daughter, in Gaza has always been on my mind, but I have never been able to articulate the reasons. Every time I get into a discussion about this matter, I become confused and quite unpersuasive (You have to justify some personal decisions when living in a conservative society.) It was never enough to say, "The world is too terrible to bring more humans into it, especially in my case, the Palestinian case. That's the last thing I want to do to someone. A kid with the Palestinian passport is like a bird born with no wings."

The other day I was in the court, filing some official papers, which is a bit of a nightmare because I have to don a hijab (headscarf) and a jilbab (long, buttoned dress), otherwise I am not allowed to enter. Next to me was a woman whose child had had an accident, and she was supposed to receive some money as compensation. The judge asked, "Where is the father [her husband]?" She said, "He is outside the country." The judge answered, angrily, "Where is his uncle [her husband's brother]?" She said, "I am his mother!" The judge shouted at her, "Where is his grandfather? Where is the child’s family? Go and bring anyone from his father’s part." As it turns out, your mom is not your family. What a surprise!

I usually go with my mother to process papers. And every time, we go through a very long and tiring process. The last time, however, I went with my brother and to my surprise, everything was completed in less than 10 minutes. The papers involved me and I was waiting in the car, but my presence wasn't required. Why? Apparently, my country’s slogan is “men matter.” Power and authority are equivalents for manhood.

This a small snapshot of what a woman goes through in Gaza on a daily basis. For me, it sums up a lot of struggles, difficulties and a load of crap. What is the problem? Is it the law? The so-called "religious government"? The religion itself? Men? Ignorance?

Ultimately, I am not really sure and don't really care what is to blame. But it has led me to one conclusion: I love my future daughter too much to ever bring her into this country.

Mentor: Amer Zahr
Posted April 7, 2016