If life could promise me one thing, I would choose the power and wisdom of using words. Words have frustrated me, weakened me, and failed me most of my life. When I most needed to be heard, I couldn’t count on words. They were not there for me.

But I have also failed words. They would haunt me — begging me to choose them. But I was scared to utter a word. I am still searching for that missing key. Still trying to learn how to use words for good rather than as a weapon against myself.

When I was younger, math was my favorite subject. It was much easier to solve problems with only one right answer. I would spend hours trying to understand an equation, but still find this more straightforward than using words. The destination and answer were always clear. That is why it was so difficult for me to give up on the scientific field. But in the end, I chose the uncertainty — and mystery — of words and majored in English, my real passion.

I wanted to know the limits of language. How far can a person reach with words? How little needs to be said? What is impossible to communicate with words? And how could I find that one perfect answer, the way I did with math?

But that was only a shadow of a dream; to be flawless.

Words to a reader

I started reading novels when I was 11, spending months reading a single book, taking my time, and losing myself. The power of words amazed me. While I struggled to communicate in everyday situations, these writers created worlds inside their minds, then translated them into words. It was dazzling —  how their words flowed, how they made me feel, how they communicated, and how they changed.

The more I read, the deeper words worked inside me, intertwining with previous ideas, highlighting or erasing them, making me stop to think for a while. Dictionaries left nothing unnamed. I would stumble across a new term and exclaim, “Where has this word been all this time?!” When you feel that someone has written something just for you, you feel understood, connected to the world. That is the healing power of words.

Words to a writer

While reading kindled my love of words, writing gave me power. Not power over words, but the power to see things and name them. While words to a writer and translator are different, in both you feel the eureka moment when you finally find the right word.

The older I’ve grown, the more I realized that one cannot be flawless with words; a master of words doesn’t exist. Words have no inherent colors. We color them. Their obscurity is the riddle and the miracle. Words reflect the insecurity and pain of human beings as well our dreams and aspirations. And while one can choose to be silent, we are called to face life and speak bravely, even if we don’t know the right thing to say.

Writing is more than a tool; it is a magical wand. It gives us solace to be able to name what we do or do not have. It’s a third eye; writers see things other people do not see, like the beauty behind dull days.

Words to a human heart 

Majoring in English made me realize that no dictionary can solve a misunderstanding between a heart and a brain. We have to live into the answers, and perhaps the words will come.

Despite my tumultuous relationship with words, I’ve learned two hard-won lessons.

First, some words must be spoken aloud, while others are best left unsaid. Someone once said it is better to say it out loud than to keep it to yourself. But some things are much worse than words left unsaid. You cannot unsay something, as words carry on forever. I have seen regret in different colors. The feeling knows me very well. I no longer know what to choose. And while I may stutter sometimes, I know either way, we can’t avoid pain forever; we can only do our best and try to hurt less. We can try to shield ourselves from a sharp word or a “no,” and we can try not to hurt others with our words while saying what needs to be said.

Second, one promise that life has delivered to me is that all the words you utter will echo back to you. Life has its mysterious ways of giving back to people. Some call it karma. Every word you utter will land again in your heart — and it will either hurt you or comfort you. The hate you give will come back to you. And in contrast, when you love someone, life will surely give you back someone who loves you.

We might ask ourselves the same questions forever and still know nothing. There are worlds in words; we will inevitably misunderstand. You might feel helpless when realizing that words are not always our friends. You could sacrifice everything for a word and still feel lonely. You might want to tell words how selfish they are for taking a time in your life that you will never get back. Or you might apologize for all the words you could not say.