I want to write
I want to write about you
and I want to write about me
what I was, what I am and wish I could be
the simple, and the inexplicable
the pretty, the unspeakable,
reach down, expand my vocabulary
but not all searches end with great discovery

For I am not a person
yet I look like one and it scares me
I am too much thought to be
too much tremble and too much anxiety

Look me in the eye and think of how much I know
how many times you’ve felt comfortable talking to me
about thoughts and feelings
what once was and what is yet to be
traumas and past experiences
but what do you know about me?

You see,
If you’re close to me you might know I do have anxiety
actual anxiety that rather paralyzes me
makes me tremble when I hear the name of someone who means something to me
makes me want to disappear when something so small goes wrong
when something in my head crashes
and is not how it’s supposed to be

It’s scary
when your value is determined by how much you manage to keep things in order
by how much you feel in control but the thing is
the more you try to be in control the more you actually lose it
and the more your obsession grows
the more it becomes you

the more you’ll shake
the more you’ll cry
the more you’ll lose
the more you’ll (un)become
assuming you once were

I am not my disorder
although sometimes

I feel like I am.