It's almost 1 a.m. when I pick up my phone to ask my grandma some questions for an essay I’m writing—this essay. I know she will probably be awake praying, since it's Ramadan, a holy month that Muslims spend fasting and praying. I’m eager to ask her: What was it like growing up as a girl in Gaza in the 1950s and ‘60s? Could it possibly be like anything I live today?

When she picks up her phone, I start interrogating her with questions that never occurred to me to ask before now.

It turns out to be such an interesting conversation, in which I discover how much times have changed. For example, my grandma got married in 1975 at the age of 21, just three years older than myself right now. As my grandma talked, I couldn't help but draw comparisons. My grandma tells me she never saw any other future for her but marriage. She never thought any other future would be possible. She did go to college, but never had any intention of using her degree, since it was unusual for women to work in those days. “I dropped out after a short while and married your grandpa,” she gently explains to me.

And yet for me, I see so many possibilities in the future, and a higher education is key to everything I want in life, like maybe one day becoming a writer and university professor. My grandma goes on and tells me she had known quite a few women who were forced into marriage by their parents and social expectations. While I know that must happen sometimes today, it’s definitely much less common. Fortunately, no one I know has been subjected to that.

However, while I do—and can dream of doing—so many things my grandma couldn't, without complications, we still have a long way to go. It is still a common view that girls are destined only for marriage and the kitchen. This is the first plan of too many parents for their daughters; education and work are just a backup.

And too often those expectations trickle down to the girls themselves, who grow up thinking of marriage as their priority, as the focus for their identities. How awful that would be, to see myself as without any worth without a husband—my entire youth just a way to pass time until I am old enough to marry.

Now, let me be clear: I do see marriage as a beautiful, sacred, special bond. But I have never seen marriage as my only option or the highlight of my future. It has never been my first plan. It has never even been my backup plan. If I find the right person and the timing is right, then that’s great. But even then, it won't stop me from working and chasing my dreams. And if I don’t get married at all, I'll still be happy. But I am not the norm in Gaza.

The 'marriagable age'

The biggest issue that both my grandma and I find utterly heartbreaking is the fact that some people in our society see a girl as too old for marriage once she reaches 27. Most people say "she missed her train" and that the only husband she can get is one who's divorced or has children. Such a girl becomes depressed because of all of the questions, like "Why are you still not married?"—as if it's a curse. I've seen this happen firsthand with an extremely close friend and multiple family members. And it leaves me thinking this could easily be me. The same “less wanted” status awaits women who divorce their husbands. This judgmental mentality must come to an end.

Self worth, with or without a man

Empowering girls and raising them to be confident in their worth is a necessity that must start with women themselves. Gazan women serve as examples for young girls, just as my mom has been for me my entire life. I've been raised by a strong, hardworking, independent woman: my mom. 

She always tells me I need to learn to depend solely on myself, to develop myself so I won't need anyone else, ever. And that has always been my motto. But I’ve also been counseled to follow my heart. Before choosing to study English literature in university, I was leaning toward a major that would be more likely to help me get a job, a subject I didn’t much like but would be practical. And then my aunts stepped in and advised me to pursue my dream job of being a writer and professor, to challenge the norms of society and follow my heart.

Not one of these important women in my life ever told me I needed to get married to be happy. Yet I can't help but feel my grandma worrying a bit about me sometimes, concerned about how I will be regarded if I never got married, or how lonely I will be.

So I want to tell my grandma this: Marriage will not define me, Grandma. I do not deny that I want my own family one day. But if that never happens, I won't be depressed. I won't think any less of myself, because I'm not sitting around waiting for it. I don't even have time to think about that right now. I'm too busy finding myself, studying and building my future. Grandma, I'm too busy chasing my dreams. Yes, I'd love to have a son and a daughter one day and give them all the love in the world. But how would I teach them how important it is to follow their dreams if I never follow mine? And there are so many other things that make me happy: Writing makes me happy, making my mom happy makes me happy, the sea makes me happy, late-night walks make me happy, achieving one of my goals makes me happy, being close to God makes me happy, YOU make me happy.

I know my worth and value Grandma, even if I don't yet know what the future holds for me. I know I'll be happy, because I am confident enough in my value to choose what makes me happy, not the other people around me. I will be fine.

It's a simple message I also want to send to every girl in Gaza and in the world: Be you, be happy. Marriage does not and will never define you. You will also be fine.

Mentor: Aurora Matthews
Posted August 10, 2016