They are bombing us now but I’m not scared. When the bombs are being dropped my rage stops me from feeling anything else. I do not feel frightened. What would I be without my rage? If my pain was erased, what would be left? I am frustrated. I keep thinking about the world. Do people know how desperate we are to survive?
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There is a song that never leaves my mind. It is about a child holding a map, feeling nothing. I look at the world in my mind’s eye with a dull feeling. I thought I wanted to travel the world. I wanted to meet all kinds of people. Now I do not want anything. I want my life to end peacefully.
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Humans are cruel. They are selfish. They bring nothing but misery. Am I only viewing the dark side? I know there are things to live for, but it is not enough to keep repeating those words over and over. The more I search for answers about humans, the more questions I have. What if we erased everything? I compare Eren’s rage to mine.* When he discovered the world’s truth, he decided he could not accept how life works, so he destroyed the world with his anger. But I am not Eren. I do not want to devastate anything. I’m already shattered.
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I must be confident enough to trust my voice. My depression and wisdom overlap. I have to respect each.
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I have not studied psychology enough to understand why humans are cruel. I know Allah shaped us differently. But I know we all share the same experience of life. We feel the same feelings. And we dream the same dreams.
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I desperately want to meet Allah and tell him everything. I know Allah has the key. But I sometimes question his reasons. What if I decided to end his game? I cannot accept how Allah made this world. I could resist by simply not having a baby. If I have an innate desire to become a mother, I want to fight it. Sometimes I think bringing a child into this world is a selfish act.
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Maybe antinatalism is the cure. By ending our toxic species, we will stop this generational trauma; it could be considered a mercy killing, but it makes me feel like a quitter. I am living in a dilemma. I can identify my contradictory feelings. I wonder if you can be courageous but cowardly at the same time?
There is nothing more hopeful than bringing a new life to earth. Daring to start all over again, even when you know life’s challenges, maybe the most affirming thing we can do. Is Allah testing our intuition, our free choice? In my prayers, I stand before Allah and ask why. A verse in the Quran keeps me alive; It is smooth and soft.
(O Muhammad), say to them: If the waters of the ocean were to become ink to write the Words of my Lord, it would exhaust, but the Words of my Lord will not exhaust: nay, even if We brought as much ink again, it will not suffice for that.
Perhaps I am forcing hope, but I am not scared. I am relieved. Allah has the answers and the words. All we have to do is to listen.
§
They say life is a gift. I try to make myself believe that, but sometimes my mind gets blurry. I am functioning, but not well. Sometimes I wake up feeling powerful. I speak with my eyes. I do not want to be a hero or a villain. I want to be a human.
I do not know if Palestine will ever be free. I believe bloodshed is inevitable, even if it is unjustifiable. Why must there always be a sacrifice? Why does someone always have to be left behind? My last act of love has been to turn off my thoughts and just let myself feel. I am dedicating my life to understanding the wisdom of living. It might be my only reason to live. I want to understand the beauty behind pain and how roses grow from the blood more than love. I want to learn the wisdom of Allah. I want to believe that humankind will become less vengeful. I want to have children as an act of living, not resistance.
* Eren Yeager is a fictional character and the protagonist of the manga series Attack on Titan created by Hajime Isayama.
