Before the war, all of my dreams centered on traveling around the world to explore different cultures. I have always been passionate about learning new things. I have also always been seeking a meaningful path for my life. I felt like I was firmly on this path: I was accepted to the English Access Micro Scholarship Program, which provides a foundation of English language skills to young people, and I was already dreaming about a future scholarship to study in a prestigious American university.

I was a 17-year-old, in my final year of high school, working hard to get the best grades and aiming for a 99% in my final-year exams, believing this would be the key to unlocking my dreams.

But the Israeli occupation had another idea. When the genocide started, everything flipped upside down; all of my dreams started to disappear little by little. My ambitions suddenly changed. The old ones were replaced by how to survive and how to help my family. Instead of dreaming about traveling to foreign countries to study, I dreamed about how to find food, water, and a source of income that could help our family deal with wartime, especially overpriced basic necessities.

The voice inside my head told me, “You are nothing but a failure. You take from others, but don’t give; you receive help, but are incapable of providing it. You are sitting around, without any purpose.”

In my attempts to quiet this voice, what first came to mind was that I should use a modern skill related to computer science, such as coding, which I had been keen to do previously. But this idea turned out to be extremely tough to realize, in fact closer to impossible, due to our very poor internet connection.

My attempt to become a barber

I tried to think of a profession that I could learn that does not require internet. I came up with barbering. It seemed like a useful contribution.

It took me a long time to learn to barber due to lack of electricity, lack of tools, and difficulty finding a tutor to instruct me. After finding a relative willing to teach me, I practiced for four months, during which I learned how hard this work is: You have to be super accurate, know how to use special tools, try to not hurt the client, and do exactly what he desires. I was then ready to begin providing shaving services on the street.

This gave me a kind of satisfying feeling.  However, very soon, I lost this feeling. I realized that I was working hard for long hours in exchange for a small amount of money, which didn’t really help my family. “You wasted four months learning to barber and then failed,” said the same voice in my head.

Falling into the mosquito repellant business

Amidst the depression that then hit me, my one-and-a-half-year-old sister Aleen was suffering from an extreme reaction to frequent mosquito bites. The bites would swell up, form painful sores on her face and body, and give her a fever. Unfortunately, I could not find any mosquito repellent in pharmacies due to the tight blockade on Gaza.

“Here you are again standing helpless; you can’t even protect your sister,” said the voice in my brain. But what differed this time was that there was another voice that replied, “If there are no solutions, create your own.”

I searched the internet for recipes for mosquito repellent. I went to pharmacies and collected all the raw materials I needed. I tried out several compositions on myself first to ensure they were safe and efficient. One of them was incredibly effective.

I started to put it on my sister’s skin every day and indeed its pungent lavender scent kept the mosquitos away from her. Little by little, her sores healed and she didn’t have any new bites.

“Helping your sister is not enough of an achievement to be proud of,” the voice kept repeating a thousand times in my head! But what could I do? Every time I tried to dream the old dreams again, I was confronted with the reality that everything was stopped including continuing my education, which was the highest priority for me.

Trying hard to feel like I was doing something useful in my life, I distributed the leftovers of my mosquito repellent to people living in tents in the camp near our house. After three days, and having forgotten all about this, the same people who took what I had made contacted me for more repellent.

This made me think of turning my concoction into a business. I launched a page on Instagram called Lavender and I began selling my products online, and then I opened a distribution point on the streets. People loved the product! What was in the beginning a personal solution to protect my sister turned into a product that served hundreds of people also suffering from mosquito bites.

For the first time in months, I felt the taste of achievement, and the voice in my head was quieted for a while.

Calming my inner voice

This is how things have ended up for me in Gaza. Instead of concentrating on fulfilling my dreams for my future, all of my concerns are about how to obtain food, water, and safety. But at the same time, I have to work hard to calm my inner voice, which seems to only care about achievements and perfection, even in the midst of the conditions here in Gaza.

While the Israeli occupation has set Gaza back 50 years in civilization terms, maybe I have been advanced 50 years mentally. The shocks, the feelings of responsibility, and frustration are just part of the psychological impact on me of this bloody, devastating occupation.