we are not numbers

emerging writers from Palestine tell their stories and advocate for their human rights

In search of myself

‘The original version of myself is in a coma, and she won’t return until the war ends.’
Sahar Alijla

Sitting on the beach, staring into nowhere, seeking answers to the questions whirring in my mind, I see other questions in the eyes of people passing by: What happened? Why? What’s our fault? Will it ever end?

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I share these questions with them, yet other spiritual, personal, substantial, and existential questions have controlled my mind for over eight months: Who am I? Where is the old version of me? Will I ever return to the person I was? And how did I transform into a stranger to myself?

Since the launch of this attack on Gaza, I’ve lost my home, my safety, a comfortable life with income, and tranquility. I have also lost myself.

For 26 years, I was a girl with a unique personality of joy, simplicity, confidence, peace, strength, sensitivity, and passion. However, the past eight months have shockingly wiped out all of these features I had as if they had never been inside me. It doesn’t feel like eight months, more like eight years or even eight decades.

I’ve been counting days, not living them. Life has stopped for more than 260 days. Lost in the world, ignorant of the present and future, unaware of what’s happening around me and how to act: this is how I’ve been feeling for a long while.

The original version of myself is in a coma, and she won’t return until the war ends.

Old-looking outside, hollow inside

The grim, exhausting, and stressful routine is the same every day, and the daily struggles of being homeless and trying to find food and water while under the constant threat of bombing are obvious in how I look, which is much older than my real age. My face is darker because of the sun, and my skin is completely breaking out in acne and blackheads, responding to the stress and tension.

I’ve already lost half of my weight due to the lack of nutritious food. I suffer regular stomach aches. My joints ache and bone pain, as well as chest and eye infections from cooking over fire all the time, make me feel as old as I look.

I don’t recognize who I have become, as if a new person is occupying my body. Inside, I am hollow. My heart and mind aren’t working properly, so I can’t feel or live the tiniest moments of pleasure or happiness. I’ve lost the passion I used to have even for the simplest things.

When I look at my reflection in the cracked mirror, I recognize that I’m just as cracked as it is from the inside and outside.

I can’t bear the new me. After being passionate and hopeful, now I’m always depressed and careless about everything, no matter how important it is.

The massive airstrikes mean I am in constant fear of any loud sound I hear. Even the noise of a passing car freaks me out.

My optimistic and joyful side was a signature of my personality. When my friends used to feel under pressure and needed support, they always called me. After we talked, they kept saying that they felt much better and that I was the perfect person to make any problem smaller. We would laugh together at each gathering, I was a part of it, and my jokes and funny words could be heard at a distance. Now, though, I am upside down, transformed. I overthink bad things, and can’t help thinking dark thoughts.

I admit that I was a nervous person sometimes, but not to this extent. Now my nerves are on edge, waiting for any silly moment to explode, which is completely not my nature. I’ve become aggressive even to my family members, and I unconsciously take out my internal anger and stress on them.

One day, my sister and I fought over a very silly thing, cleaning chores, and amidst our fight, I shouted, “When will you marry so we can get rid of you?” I regretted saying that and apologized on the same day. This is a tiny example of how war has forced us to deal with each other as a family.

War is stealing everything from us, even our humanity.

The inability to practice my favorite hobbies also plays a role in my loss of self. I have been deprived of the simplest fun activities I used to practice, such as visiting nice and entertaining places, watching movies and TV series, cooking various delicious dishes, visiting the sea and swimming, going out on picnics with family, walking and meditating in nature, moving freely in my house from one spot to another, and you know what! I’m deprived of the simplest gift, which is lying peacefully in my bed having a drink while watching TV or scrolling on my mobile, without being afraid of getting killed at any moment.

All of this is because of the ongoing random airstrikes and constant fear of getting killed at any moment, and of course, due to the lack of supplies, means of entertainment, and amusement places in Gaza. All of the beautiful places such as parks, gardens, restaurants, cafes, and shops were destroyed by the Israeli forces, as well as the fundamental buildings such as hospitals, schools, clinics, and homes which suffered the same fate.

Since October 2023, I’ve been in a circular loop searching for the old version of me, Sahar, before the war. She was a person with hopes and dreams, strong, independent, and with a special character. Unfortunately, she hasn’t risen to the surface yet.

Attempts to restore myself

Hands near some party foods.
Chatting and joking and sharing food together. Photo: Sahar al-Ijla

This isn’t the end; I won’t give up and I’ll do my best to restore myself. Nothing has no end, so this unrelenting war will be finished someday, and that day, the old version of me will reappear. Meanwhile, I have made some attempts to achieve that goal.

#1: Allah is there for us

Allah has never let me down whenever I ask for his help and mercy. When I asked him to help me graduate, he did. I appealed to him to give me patience throughout hard times, and he did, and when my family and I faced multiple near-death experiences since the beginning of the massacres, I prayed to him to save us, and he also mercifully did.

This has been the only source of quiet and peace since the war began. Throughout my whole life, Allah has been my first destination for support and help, and during these hard times, I am getting closer to Allah more and more, as he is my only salvation.

I’ve been trying to keep a strong bond with Allah by praying and praising him, all of which have been helping so much in maintaining the little hope and assurance I have.

2#: Cry to feel better!

Crying as a stress reliever has always been a method I was used to practicing. Therefore, it was one of the choices I had, but sadly it hasn’t worked. I did my best to expel my internal sorrows in the shape of tears, but nothing has come out of my eyes. My tears are locked up, unable to be shed. I think my heart has lost its ability to express feelings and emotions. This made me feel worse and intensified my depression. It was a sign to try another process.

#3: Talking to loved ones

The only partially and slightly effective way to find my way back was talking to people I love and trust, including close friends and family members. When I talk to them, I share everything I’ve been encountering along with the daily vicissitudes and troubles I live with.

Pita chips on baking sheet.
Trying to have fun by cooking chips that are not available in the markets. Photo: Samar al-Ijla

This makes me feel both better and worse. It eases my life as I’ve been in their shoes and vice versa, so I understand how they feel and that I am not alone. On the other hand, I feel sad for others for the life and difficult experiences we’ve been forced to live; we wish our lives were more just. When we meet, I do my best to relive the past as we sit in a group chatting and trying to forget our problems, eating and drinking any available snacks, and taking funny photos.

#4: Hobbies and activities

I’ve almost forgotten that there are some hobbies I like to practice, especially since I haven’t had the ability or the opportunity to follow up.

I try to get back on track and challenge myself to enhance my positivity, starting by doing something fun and joyful, and planning each day with different solo and group activities like cooking, playing games and puzzles, watching movies and series, reading novels, having fun with family, and anything that occupies my time. But this is hard as I can’t get over the fear and the tense atmosphere that surrounds me.

There is nothing a human can do while the war is ongoing but to let everything go as it is. All I can feel is fear and stress regardless of my efforts to regain my life and self.

#5: Writing

I channel my emotions into writing. It doesn’t have a huge impact, but this won’t stop me from writing everything I feel and experience, and I’ll be waiting for the effect of it no matter how tiny it will be.

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