The author’s aunt, Hadel Abu Zer, in Hebron, before the genocide. Photo: Rehana Hmaidat

Fifteen years ago, my aunt Hadel Abu Zer married a man from Hebron, and she moved from Gaza to have a more stable life in occupied Palestine. She and her husband divorced, but it seemed to us that she lived like a queen in Hebron with a car, one of the most beautiful houses, and income from two jobs: as a manager at a date factory and a data entry clerk at a hospital. She is a mother of two children and is studying for her master’s degree.

During these 15 years, Hadel attempted many times to visit her family in Gaza. But each time, the Israelis rejected her request. In Gaza, all of our requests to visit her in Hebron were also doomed to be denied. Hadel was saddened to miss her sisters’ weddings, her niece’s graduation ceremony, and the birth of all the grandchildren. But she never gave up, and she always tried again, hoping that next time her request would be accepted.

One day, among the many tragic days in Gaza, we woke up to the news of the death of Hadel’s father, Hajj Abu Ammar Abu Zer. He was a respected man who loved everyone and was loved in return. We were filled with pain and sorrow, and when we informed Hadel of this heartbreaking news we heard her on the phone crying and screaming incomprehensible words. She was devastated she lost her father, after not being able to see him for 15 years.

On the second day of mourning, after submitting a request to visit Gaza, the Israelis approved this trip. After all these years, the Israelis allowed Hadel to say goodbye to her father, but only at his grave. They had not allowed her to have a single photo with him. She had no feelings of happiness about her upcoming visit to Gaza and her family.

Hadel arrived with her children in a state of despair. The days of mourning were filled with her screams and fainting, as she longed to see him and sit with him, accompanied by her children whom he had never met. She had finally returned to Gaza because of the death of her beloved father. This thought shattered Hadel and made her hatred towards the Israelis grow even stronger.

However, life continues despite the pain and loss. A few days after her arrival in Gaza, Hadel began to regain her composure, seeing her close family and other relatives. She went out to see Gaza and walk in its streets, as these were precious days that might not repeat, and she might never be allowed to return to Gaza again. She visited the sea, which she had longed for all those 15 years, but the visit felt incomplete without her father.

A week after Hadel’s arrival in Gaza, in October 2023, the Israeli war on Gaza began. This was Hadel’s first war. She had not lived here through the airstrikes we had before. Hadel was forced to stay with us in Gaza, as the crossings were closed and travel was prohibited. She had to leave her work, her home, her studies, and her life in Hebron, not knowing when she would return.

As the bombardment intensified, Hadel’s fear for her children grew. She feared that one or both of them would be killed or injured, and that this first visit she took with them to Gaza would be the reason for losing them.

Before this visit, Hadel, our princess aunt, cared for fashion and décor. She used to change her car every year and frequently changed her home’s furniture. She was always tidy and elegant. Suddenly she was living through displacements from Gaza City to Khan Younis, then to Rafah. She had to evacuate on a donkey cart. She spent many days with hunger and every day with fear. In our shelter we tried to create a pleasant atmosphere for her to forget the horrors. To attempt to lighten the mood we told jokes about the smallest things and we prevented her from sitting alone. But the war was stronger than all of us.

After six months of bombardment, displacement, pain, despair, and exhaustion, smugglers began accepting requests for travel. The coordination fee for adults was $10,000, and for children, it was $5,000, just to reach Egypt, which is adjacent to the Gaza Strip. Hadel could no longer bear even one more day in Gaza, but she needed $20,000.

This was not an easy amount for Hadel to gather, but she had worked for many years to secure a future for her children. Saving her children’s lives from this war was the most important thing she could do for their future. She decided to book passage to Egypt to escape Gaza, her homeland she had dreamed of visiting for 15 years.

Two days later, Hadel’s name was on the travel list and after tearful embraces she traveled to Egypt with her children, fleeing from fear and displacement. She gave herself a month in Egypt to try to heal from the scars left by war. But her recovery wasn’t complete, as her family was still in the midst of the genocide.

After that month, she traveled to Jordan to be able to reach Hebron. She returned to her life, her home, her studies, her jobs, and her friends. But she will never fully wake from the nightmare of her visit to Gaza.